


Ambivalent

by takastucci_sen



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, half ghoul!hide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2016-01-01
Packaged: 2018-05-10 22:46:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5603749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takastucci_sen/pseuds/takastucci_sen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You tend to learn more about yourself when there's apart of you missing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ambivalent

Kaneki’s absence from his life had impacted him more than he thought it would. For one thing, it made him realize how lonely he really was, and how he took Kaneki always being there for granted. It was the type of change that came so fast it gave you whiplash, or, that’s what he felt at least. For the first few months he would talk to him, tell him what the 20th ward was like, talk to him about his school life and what he was planning to do after high school, and other things that he always managed to remember.

Then one day, it just stops.

The messages and calls stop coming around the time he’s seventeen, and he’s at a loss for what to do. At first he’s worried. He texts him more often, despite not getting replies. His calls go straight to voicemail, yet he keeps calling. He has the hope that one day he’ll pick up.

 

Throwing his phone to the side, Hide gets up from his couch with a loud sigh. He tries to reassure himself that his friend was just busy and would get back to him eventually. Fitting in would be hard, especially for Kaneki. Part of him wished that he could help him, so he could at least stay by his side. He needed him. He’s what kept him human, what kept him sane, gave him the smallest sense of normality. He’d grown to miss that familiar grounding, the same voice, the gloominess, yet naivete that the other possessed. He missed making fun of what he read, enjoying his company, having someone who accepted him close. He had become a part of him, and he felt empty without the other. His other half was gone. He hardly showed any signs of coming back.

_What if he forgets about you?_

His face fell at the thought.

_He wouldn’t do that. He needs me too, we complete each other._

 

He’s eighteen when he begins to lose what Kaneki valued so much in him. He becomes more restless. He can’t go to sleep without a copy of one of Kaneki’s favorite books. He can’t bring himself to drink coffee since that was something he had always done with him. He even starts to hate being called by his nickname, feeling that it was one of things that tied together their relationship.

He can’t bring himself to eat human food for the fun of it either.

It was taking it’s toll on him, and he was letting it.

 

Hide lies down on his bed, staring at his phone for the umpteenth time that night, trying to ignore the pain in in his chest and stomach. He hadn’t seen or heard from Kaneki in a year. Half of his worry had died out to a feeling of complete emptiness. He should give up trying to reach out at this point.

_“I miss him.”_

“I know.”

_“When will we see him again?”_

“I wish I knew.”

The childlike voice in the back of his head was heard more frequently, having only being there anytime he was hungry. Now it was there anytime he saw a book or anytime he saw someone rub their chin. He put his phone down and got up from his bed, finally giving in to his empty stomach. He could almost feel the small hands trying to hold reach out for his own, and the child’s pleas for him to stay.

_“What would he think?”_

“Does it matter?”

_“But-”_

“I need to survive somehow, don't I? He wants that.”

_“He’s human.”_

“And I would never eat him.”

_“Being human was never fake when you were around Kaneki.”_

“I was human because of Kaneki.”

 

The child stays silent.

 

He had grown used to how he ate, and strangely never felt guilt. It was always fun for him, and a part of him tended to look forward to it. At the time, he did it for him, knowing that the last thing that his broken friend needed was a friend who killed people regularly. Back then, he could hide it with a smile, or the reassuring words of “It’s what I need to do”, but over the course of two years, the need to play as a human wore thin.

It had started earlier that year.  

It was a normal enough scenario, walking back from the store, and seeing a person struggling with their groceries. Hide continued his jovial act and asked if she needed any help. She had happily said yes. He didn’t quite remember if he meant for it to be a trap or not, but he does remember luring the woman far off of her course and backing her to a corner. With a smile he had released his kagune, softly saying, “You idiot.”

He could remember the child’s cries as he took the first bite of his meal.

 

He’s nineteen when he gives up all remaining hope. He feels like he’s at the point that he’s living just because he has to, not because he has anything to live for.Wherever Kaneki was, he just hoped he was happy.

 

Hunting becomes easier, and he tries to get more fun out of it by adding ghouls into the mix of his little game. It had gotten attention, that’s for sure. The news of a ghoul who had played as a human had spread like wildfire, and the news of it being a one eyed ghoul had spread even faster. At this point, he wasn’t even sure he cared, but playing with the Doves always did offer a bit of fun, and he needs that. Whatever helps him take his mind off of his loneliness, he supposed.

 

Time moved slower too, he noticed. The emptiness had started to affect him in more ways than he initially thought. He had gained some sort of desperation to find out what his friend had been doing. So he did everything in his current power to obtain that information. He needed to know, he had lost the ability to rest easily telling himself Kaneki was happy. The child wouldn't let him.

 

_“Seek him out. You care about him.”_

“He's probably forgotten about me.”

_“He still cares.”_

“It's been three years. He's better off forgetting about me at this point.”

He feels the child’s hands grab his own.

_“You still love him, right?”_

“I always will.”

 

It's near spring when he decides to seek out information, no longer caring who it affected, and starting a group was a step in the right direction. It was a cycle really, he helped them out with something they needed, and they paid him with information. Whether that meant manipulating someone, gathering information himself, or getting his hands dirty, he didn't care.

Anything for him to keep track of his most important person.

These people were pawns to him, all he wanted was what they provided. Part of him liked the dedication, but he knew that most of it came from a mixture of pity of his situation and respect of his abilities.

Their opinion towards him didn't matter. What mattered was Kaneki's happiness.  

 

He's twenty when he learns that the title of a “King” didn't suit him. He doesn't exactly know when his group had started calling him that, something they've picked up from Doves, he assumed. Sure, he had the loyal “subjects” with the occasional slip up here and there, but he would never consider any of his actions “Kingly”, quite the opposite even considering how he had gained most of his authority in the first place.

Killing had become far too easy after that point.

If anything, the title only applies to the power he has.

The power he only used twice, yet continued to gain.

 

The emptiness had made up majority of his being at this point.

It was far too late when he had found out what had happened to Kaneki. What he became, how he felt, everything he went through, and how he met his end.

For two years his friend had suffered, and all he could do was aid from the sidelines where he could. It didn’t help that Kaneki’s possibly dead body was being held by the Doves. If there was anything that that made him unworthy of that title “King”, it was that. A king would’ve been able to help his most important person during the time he needed it most, a king would’ve actually done something instead of just watching.

He sees the child out of the corner of his eye, looking more upset than it usually did. At the very least, it used to resemble him, trying to look happy despite most situations.

_“I miss him. ”_

“He’s dead, what more can I do?”

_“Stayed with him until the end, like what we wanted to do.”_

“We can’t turn back time.”

The sadness in the child’s eyes doesn’t fade. It’s eyes are human, he notices. Two normal, brown eyes.

 

_“I wish we could.”_

He reaches out to the child, almost to hug it.

“I know.”

He loses what is left of what Kaneki gave him at that moment.

  


He knew he was on the CCG’s shitlist at this point.

 

Two years had passed since he learned of Kaneki’s supposed death, and one since he’s learned of his position as the Dove’s test toy. At this point he wished that what had happened three years prior had killed him, anything than be in a position where he’d need to fight him. Kaneki or not, he wasn’t going to lay his life down and die, he’d come too far to get killed, no matter how much he really wanted to.

It wouldn’t be that easy to go down, and if the Dove’s new reaper wanted to take him down, then he was going down with him.  

 

Sitting on the edge of the rooftop Hide had awaited the Reaper’s arrival, staring out onto the city. The bodies around him seem to almost put him in a sort of serene state, as it reminded him who his fight was with.

He slipped the mask on his face once he had heard footsteps, and put an all too familiar smile on his face. He knew that they would both come out of this dead, that was his plan at the very least.

He turned around, one half ghoul locking eyes with another. He took note of everything, the black clothing, the glasses, the cold glare, the kagune that looked far too much like his own.

Yet through it all, he still saw his friend.

He slowly got up from where he was seated.

“So, you’ve come to see me.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
